Hey guys, sorry it’s been so long since I posted last. I’ve been taking care of midterms related homework…so much to do so little time. I’m still not feeling caught up at all and that is really frustrating for me. I don’t like feeling behind. Thankfully, one more week of classes and I will be able to hopefully spend spring break catching up.

So, I’ve told you about my parents divorce and my dad’s relationships afterwards, but I realized that I haven’t really told you much more about myself.

I have been dealing with depression for many years, since about the time my grandma died when I was ten. I think I had been dealing with this stuff for a long time before, but this is when the “monster” took hold over me. I say monster, because it has really been like there was a monster that has been rampaging through my life all this time. This isn’t the kind of depression that only happens every so often, it’s a daily struggle to keep it in check. Dealing with this after so long has made it a little easier to handle it when I start feeling like my world is crashing down.

See, I also have issues with anxiety, ADD(which I am in the process of trying to get a diagnosis of), and other issues that I am not even really sure how to define them.

It wasn’t until this last year that I finally have begun to learn who I am and that things like depression and ADD can’t stop me from doing what I love. Yes, they can, and will, create obstacles that I have to overcome. But, I am finally able to start to see myself as someone other than stupid, ugly, fat, slow, dumb….the list goes on and on.

I was recently watching a show about ADD and one of the things they brought up was that ADD has been linked to childhood obesity. It was like something just clicked in my head when I heard that. Depression, anxiety, and low self esteem are also part of the package. I also watched as these amazing doctors, psychologists, and other prominent members of society said that they also have ADD/ADHD. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, that I don’t have to feel bad about myself.

I don’t know that my self esteem issues will ever truly go away, but I know now that I have a reason to work to be the person I want to be.

I was surprised to see that I have already started getting views on the posts I have made recently. I certainly didn’t expect to see anything so soon. On that note, so sorry I didn’t post the last couple days, been feeling sick. I felt horrid Wednesday, so I stayed home from school and spent most of the day in bed. But, I am feeling much better. Still feeling a little dizzy every so often but I’ve got a good handle on that, I think.

Please don’t hesitate to comment on my posts, and if there are any topics you want my opinion on, just comment and I will do my best to cover them in future posts.

Since this is just a snippet, I will leave the long discussions to my post that will be up hopefully later today. Can’t wait to chat to you guys soon (see what I did there lol).

When I wrote my post yesterday, I knew it was going to be emotional, uncomfortable, and just plain scary to be putting something as private as that part of my life out there for everyone to see. It has taken me months to get to the point where I could open myself up to the hurt that has always come with the mere idea of what I dealt with back then.

As I was writing last night, I was just about crying because of how emotional of a subject this is for me. I had stopped for a moment, not sure if I could go on. I don’t know how to really explain it, but it was almost like God was whispering in my ear, telling me that I needed to continue, that I needed to do this in order to heal, and that I was ready to this. You can’t rush yourself on these things, it just doesn’t work out and you don’t really heal.

Today, I feel better about it, as if I am starting to get to that point where I can finally heal from all the damage that my now, ex-stepmom, caused. I know realize that I don’t need them to know how much they hurt me. I think part of me believed that I couldn’t heal until they knew every wrong they committed against me.

This actually occurred to me when I was reading an article about the daughter of the BTK serial killer. She had no idea who her dad really was and had to deal with a lot of issues because of his betrayals. In some ways, I could relate to what she was saying, not that I would ever be able to fully understand how she feels, of course.

When “Jamie” and her kids betrayed me, they stole my sense of trust. I trusted them with so much of who I was; my insecurities and everything else. I find that it is a difficult endeavor to trust people with how I really feel about something, and who I am on the inside.

I certainly don’t want anyone to think that I am simply whining about my life, I really just want to bring to light something that has plagued me for a long time.

It looks like I have run out of time to discuss anything else, until next time….:)

Contrary to what the title says, I haven’t quite figured “it” out yet. I still struggle to get through each and every day. Of course, you don’t know my story so here is a quick rundown.

I am a twenty-two (almost twenty-three) year old college student at my local community college. I grew up with a mom, dad, and younger brother. My parents separated and then divorced not long afterwards. This was when I was sixteen. My dad then moved his girlfriend into his apartment during spring break maybe a few months after my parents had separated. After my grandma(dad’s mom) died a year later, my dad and his girlfriend bought a house together. All during this time, I was not getting along with my mom very well. So, when I got the chance I moved in with my dad, his girlfriend, and her two daughters.

After a year, dad and his girlfriend got married. It wasn’t to last though. They divorced before they even were married two years. My stepmom back then, let’s call her Jamie, was horrible. She is exactly what I think of when I think of the phrase “evil stepmother”. I don’t know how I even got through that time in my life. She was a master manipulator. She knew just how to prey on my insecurities and how to squash any self-worth I had for myself down so that I couldn’t ever find it. She made me think that she loved me. She made me feel like her daughter, at least until she started treating me like an enemy. Her oldest daughter was just like her mom too, same manipulative streak in her. I don’t think I will ever truly know if they ever cared for me at all.

In that house, I was the bad guy too many times to count. If the girls did something wrong, I got blamed. If the chores didn’t get done because the oldest daughter wouldn’t do her part, I usually got blamed. I lived in fear after I turned eighteen that one day I would drive up to the house and all my stuff would be sitting in the yard. No matter how many times I tried to do the right thing, whether I was protecting one of the girls from getting in trouble with the parents or just trying to be myself, I felt like I always got the short end of the stick. That is how I have felt most of my life.

Where was my dad through all of this, might you ask? He was there. You know how someone can be there but not be there emotionally? That is the best way I can depict it. I want to get something straight though. He never knowingly did anything that would hurt me, I don’t believe that for a second. He just basically had wool covering his eyes, so to speak. He was blinded by her influence. But, that doesn’t change anything that happened.

It has taken me years to get to the point where I can sit here and write all of this out. I felt so voiceless, so invisible. I walked on eggshells around them, worried that they would hurt me. I don’t know that I will ever be totally okay, no matter how many years go by. There are too many “what ifs” that would swirl around in my head if I let them. Sometimes, I don’t even know how I made it through all those turbulent years.

“Jamie” tore down all the good in my life, and yet I still wonder about her. I wonder how the girls are. I wonder if they even have given me a second thought, or if I was just a pawn all along.

It was not long after they divorced that I finally saw who they really were. It was then that I cut ties with them all. I haven’t talked to any of them in about two and a half years. I am so glad I did it when I had the chance.

My dad is now married to an amazing woman who I love, and I know she loves me. I have two stepsisters I adore( both are older, which is kinda nice) and I also am an aunt(technically, step-aunt but whatever). I now have an amazing relationship with my mom and am closer to my brother than before. If I hadn’t dealt with all I did, I would not have the amazing family I do now.